My feelings are all over the place today, I went to Walmart in an attempt to get my husband a birthday card. His birthday is in 2 days and I would normally have a card by now, but given the circumstances, I have been putting it off. While standing in the aisle reading cards that say “to my loving husband, we are great together,” and all of that mushy stuff, my heart started to race. I began panicking, thinking to myself, I don’t feel the way that any of these cards are describing. But I should and I want too, maybe just not with him. I stood there reading them for a few minutes, and then picked up a funny card and threw it in my cart. As I went through the checkout line, the cashier rang up the card which came to $4.57. I told her that I didn’t want it and to put the card back. Not only because I don’t want to spend $4.57 on a birthday card, but I could really care less about his birthday and I don’t want to get a card telling him how much I love him because that is not the case right now. About 2 years ago on my birthday, he didn’t do anything special for me and that really hurt. So it stuck with me and I’ve stopped caring about birthdays.
I have weaned down to .25 mg of the Suboxone and I know it is going to be hard to get completely off of the drug. As I sit here thinking, they make a drug that helps opiate withdrawal but then what do you take when you withdrawal from the Suboxone (which is considered an opiate)? It is such a vicious cycle that I don’t want to be on anymore. I am feeling withdrawal symptoms right now. I don’t want to be dependent on this drug anymore. This drug was supposed to be used short term only. I am happy to say that I have not had any alcohol in over 3 weeks.
How do you feel today? What inspires you?